Why I hate babies
If you know me, you know I can’t stand babies. Wait. Let me specify. Baby humans. I love baby animals. I can’t get enough of those wittle cutesy wutsey fuzzie wuzzie wubbies.
Human babies, I hate.
Hmmm. Hate could be a strong word, but it is less strong than despise, which is what I could have used, but I choose not to because I have a sliver of a soul.
The question I get asked the most is, “Why Lindsay, you love baby animals so much, but why not baby humans?”
This is probably what you are asking me right now, I am assuming. If you are not, you still get the opportunity to comprehend my hatred toward innocent beings.
1. Baby humans are ugly. I believe that .000003% of babies are actually somewhat cute. If you beg to differ, check out this little fella:
NOT CUTE.
2. Babies don’t do anything cool. I want to be entertained. For entertainment, I usually visit kids between the ages of 2 and 4. After that, they just become cocky, annoying little shits.
3. Their parents. I want to tell you something. Your baby is not that special. It’s just like all other babies that have soiled themselves. Nicole Richie has stated that since her daughter, it was like life before did not matter. Really, Nicole? Because I think those brain cells you damaged before your rehab days would like to think differently.
4. They’re messy and I don’t want to have to clean up after them. Baby animals are equally as messy, but so are adult animals. That’s just given. There’s no higher expectations for grown up animals.
5. As opposed to baby animals, baby humans are not soft and fuzzy. And they smell gross.
6. Baby humans have no concept of the term, “independence.” They lie there and look stupid. Baby animals are able to walk within hours. I’m not one to disprove evolution, but could we speed things up a little?
7. They cry. Kid, if you only knew the problems of the world, then you’d really have something to cry about. I don’t want those little shits coming to me with their useless ailments. Don’t waste my time.
There are many more reasons, but I believe I have already pissed off all 4 of my readers, so I better stop before I get death threats.
